The Birds & the Bees and a Bottle of Whiskey
by Lion in the Land
Summary: It's Sex Ed. time at Hellsing Manor.


Disclaimer: All characters, etc., etc. in this story belong to the holders of the copyright, not me. Jason White, is in fact, a character from the Superman movies, but his role in the Hellsing universe is the invention of _Metropolis Kid_ in his wonderful story, Maternal Instinct.

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The Birds & the Bees and a Bottle of Whiskey

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Pip's hands were on Seras and she moaned, "Augh, Pip, that feels so good." They were in the library, and he stood behind her, massaging a lingering kink in her neck.

The Frenchman leaned down to whispered suggestively in her ear, "You know, I could make all of you feel zis good, Mignonette. Seems unfair for your neck to get to have all ze fun."

Seras stiffened and pulled away from him, scolding impatiently, "Honestly, Pip, is that all you ever think about?"

Before he can answer, Walter stepped into the room. "Miss Victoria, you have a visitor." The elderly butler stepped aside to reveal a small, eleven-year-old boy.

"Jason!" Seras squealed and hopped out of her chair to run over to him and wrap him in a hug. The Hellsing organization rescued Jason a year earlier and the boy had stayed at the Hellsing Manor until they could identify him. During that time, Seras had taken him under her wing and the two of them grew close. But Jason had eventually returned to America with his family. He and Seras kept in touch via e-mail and now his family had business in Europe.

Seras and Jason had just spent the entire previous day together, so she was surprised to see him again so soon and looked at him questioningly. The corner of Walter's mouth twitched into a wry smile as he explained, "It appears young Master White has become curious about the birds and the bees."

Seras loosened her grip on the boy so that his face wasn't pressed quite so firmly to her bosom, and Pip snickered under his breath, "Apparently I am not ze only one."

"Uh, thank you, Walter," Seras said uncertainly, and Walter bit back a grin as he nodded and left.

"Jason," Seras said gently, "isn't this something you should discuss with your parents?"

"Yeah, I know," Jason answered. "They keep telling me we'll talk about it later and then we never do. I'm tired of waiting." He looked up at her with his bright, pleading eyes and Seras couldn't say no.

"Okay, I suppose it is about time you know about this..." she said and bit her lip.

"Mignonette," Pip offered, "Zis is my area of expertise. I would be happy to handle it."

Jason didn't know what _Mignonette_ meant, but he didn't like this Casonova calling his Seras that. Especially not in such a familiar tone. This was the first time Jason was meeting Seras's new boyfriend, although he'd heard all about him.

"No, Pip. I'll do it," Seras said, keeping a protective arm around Jason. The good Lord only knew what kind of lessons the French merc would teach the poor boy. "Hold on a second," she said to Jason and walked over to the corner and grabbed something off the bottom bookshelf. "Okay, why don't we go to your old room for our talk."

She walked with Jason out of the library, and as they exited, the boy put his arm around her waist and shot a smug, triumphant glance back at Pip. The merc simply nodded his head in approval and murmured admiringly, "Touché, petit garҫon."

Seras led Jason to the room he had slept in while a guest at Hellsing Manor and they sat down next to each other on the bed. Seras laid the book she'd grabbed from the library on her lap. On the cover was a smiling cartoon creature with a large, bulbous head and a squiggly tail. The title read: _Sammy the Sperm_. She opened the book and began to read.

"Sammy has thousands of friends, and although they look very similar, no two are exactly alike. Sammy and his buddies are in training for a big race. Sometimes Sammy feels like he's been preparing for this race his whole life. As a matter of fact, he has been. It's the reason he was created. At last, the big day arrives and Sammy shoots out the gate along with all of his friends. They swim through a narrow tube and then burst into a much wider canal. Sammy is jostled about and turned topsy turvy, but he eventually rights himself and strives to reach the front of the pack.

"There will be only one winner of this race, possibly two, and very rarely any more than that, so it is essential that he be quick. However, speed isn't everything in this race. Sammy's been told that he'll need to conserve his strength for when he reaches his destination. The hoard of swimmers curves through a dark tunnel and then into a wide cavern. Inside they see the object of their desire – a small, perfectly round, glorious sphere. The swimmers in the lead rush to the sphere and begin gently poking at it. They are tickling it, trying to make it giggle so it will let them in. The first one in is the winner. Tickle, tickle, tickle."

Seras reached over and playfully tickled Jason's ribs. She didn't notice that while she'd been reading, another presence had materialized inside the room.

"_Tickle, tickle, tickle_?" a deep voice said disparagingly.

Seras whipped around and gasped, "Master! How dare you eavesdrop? Haven't we been over this enough times?"

"Yes, Police Girl, under normal circumstances I refrain from eavesdropping. However, you can hardly blame me for becoming overwhelmingly curious to see how the virgin planned to educate the boy on the reproductive process."

"What's a virgin?" Jason asked, his eyebrows pulled together.

"I, uh…" Seras stumbled.

While she struggled to formulate an answer, Alucard intervened. "_Glorious sphere_?" he scoffed. "_Gently poking_? Where did you get this nonsense? This isn't how it is at all, boy. No such glorious sphere exists. It's an armed and nearly impenetrable fortress. Wicked and taunting. Sammy and his mates aren't in a race; they're warriors. They've got to fight their way in there, beat her down until she's too exhausted to resist, and then…then they take her."

Seras threw her protective arm around Jason again, and pulled him to her, thinking that her master must be frightening him. But the boy was staring with wide-eyed excitement at Alucard, enthralled by his tale.

Alucard smirked at the boy's enthusiasm, and tossed the book he'd been carrying onto his lap. "_This_ is what you should be reading."

Seras read the title: _The Archer's Tale_, and snatched it up. "This is not for children!" she asserted and tossed the book back to her master, then pulled Jason up by the arm and headed toward the door.

"Police Girl, really, the boy should hear this from a man."

"A man, yes," Seras agreed. "_Not_ a deranged monster," she threw in under her breath and Alucard chuckled darkly.

She whisked Jason down the hall to Walter's study. It was really just a glorified closet, which barely fit a small desk and a couple of chairs. Walter was sitting at the chair behind the desk going over some household paperwork. Seras tapped at the door and the butler looked up with a small, knowing smile.

"I thought you might be by," he said.

Seras blushed slightly, but was grateful when Walter motioned to the chair across the desk from him for Jason to sit; he was going to make this easy. Jason sat and Seras wedged herself into a tight corner, where she intended to make herself inconspicuous while Walter explained.

Walter smiled kindly on Jason and said, "Well, if we're going to talk man to man, we need the proper supplies." He opened a large bottom drawer and pulled out two short glasses, setting one in front of Jason and one in front of himself. Then he pulled out a bottle of Glenlivet. He poured Jason's glass about one quarter full and then his own about half way.

Seras watched cautiously, certain that Walter only intended the drink as a symbolic gesture. But then he toasted to good health with a wink, the two of them clinked glasses and Seras jumped forward and grabbed Jason's glass from his hand just before it touched his far-too-young mouth. She shot an angry glare on Walter, but he didn't notice, because he closed his eyes as he savored the caramel-colored liquid. He reopened them when Seras loudly clunked the glass on the desk next to him, and then he set his own glass down and began the talk.

"Dames these days aren't what they used to be." Seras may have been offended if she hadn't been so shocked by his use of the word _dames_. "Used to be a girl would wait until she was married," Walter continued, "…except for the ones that didn't. But those were easy to spot, so you always knew what you were getting into. Nowadays, there's no telling. They all dress like floozies and most of them have been around the block more than a few times. The women think they're gaining equality, the death of the double-standard, but I'll tell you what they're gaining − venereal disease," Walter said with a solemn nod.

Seras hadn't really thought about this aspect of 'the talk' but she supposed it was just as important as anything else, so she stayed silent and let Walter continue.

"I'm going to teach you something today that's not only going to protect your health, but your pocketbook as well." He opened another drawer and began fishing around.

Seras assumed he was going to supply Jason with some condoms. There was no way she could send him back to his parents with them, but she didn't think it wouldn't hurt for him to have a look.

"For a fraction of the cost of dinner and a movie, you can walk yourself down to the nearest convenience store and pick up a few of these disease-free periodicals." Walter hoisted up a stack and fanned it out in front of the boy: Penthouse, Hustler, Big Bazoombas, Chicks with−

"Walter!" Seras screamed and had Jason out of the chair and moving toward the door in milliseconds. Her arm was clamped tightly across both his shoulders, keeping him pointed forward and away from Walter's desk. "Honestly…_honestly_!" Seras gasped as the boy craned his neck, trying to get a better look at the magazines.

When they were safely down the hall, Seras said calmly, "Well, this isn't my first choice, and it won't exactly be like getting it from a man, but…it's a pretty good substitute. And at least I know Sir Integra has a strong moral fiber, which is more than I can say for those other blokes."

Soon Jason found himself sitting in another chair in front of another desk, a much larger, more imposing desk. Sir Integra sat stiffly across from him, with the palms of her hands pressed together. She touched the tips of her fingers to her pursed lips and stared intently at Jason through narrowed eyes. Seras again stood back and tried to remain inconspicuous.

For a long time Integra said nothing, simply evaluated the boy in a stony silence. Jason also sat quietly, but shifted in his seat, apparently becoming uncomfortable with the scrutiny. At last Integra spoke.

"Why do you need this information?" she asked abruptly.

"Um, well, I think I'm old enough now, and the other kids all say−"

"Other kids?" Integra said sternly. "Tell me this, if all the other kids said to climb to the top of Tower Bridge and jump off, would you do it?"

"What?" he asked, utterly confused.

Integra huffed out once and then continued the interrogation. "What have the others told you today?"

"Well…they've each recommended books for me to read, and−"

Again Integra cut him off. "Young man, there is only one book you need to concern yourself with." She reached over and grabbed her Bible and flipped it open. She found the passage she was looking for and began to read with the vehement severity of the most pious of nuns.

"The Lord rescued Lot out of Sodom because he was a good man, sick of the terrible wickedness he saw everywhere around him day after day. So also the Lord can rescue you and me from the temptations that surround us." Her voice was like a solid battering ram that became more insistent as she read on. "And continue to punish the ungodly until the day of final judgment comes! He is especially hard on those who follow their own evil, _lustful_," here she slammed her fist into table for emphasis, "thoughts!"

"Thank you, Sir Integra!" Seras said a little more forcefully than she had intended, but Jason had jumped when Integra pounded the table and Seras knew she'd better get him out of there right away or else the poor child might decide to saw it off before he even had a chance to use it. She once again escorted him to the door. "I…uh…thanks," she said, then shut the door behind her as quickly as she could.

Across the hallway, leaning nonchalantly against the wall with his arms folded and his handsome head tilted toward her, was Pip. "How did zat go?" he asked with an undisguised smirk.

Seras forced herself to stand up straight and answered, "Fine, actually. Thanks for asking."

"Mignonette," Pip growled skeptically. "Ze child looks as if he's just been drained by your master. White as a ghost."

Seras's shoulders slumped. She'd let her young friend down.

Pip stepped away from the wall and laid a hand on Seras's shoulder. "It was not so very long ago zat mon père had zis same talk with me. I remember what he said and zat is all I want to pass on to him."

Seras bit her lip and looked at Jason. He suddenly didn't seemed so opposed to Pip anymore and was looking back at Seras with a twinge of hope that she just couldn't resist. "Alright then, Pip," she said reluctantly. "But stick to the facts, no color commentary."

"Oui. You will not be sorry, Mignonette, zat is a promise," Pip said with a smile. They all three walked back to the library, but when they got to the entrance, Pip turned to Seras. "My apologies, but no females allowed. Zis is man stuff, right, mon ami?" Pip said to Jason with a wink.

Seras wanted to protest, but Jason again cast those pleading eyes on her, and she considered that her presence in the room hadn't exactly helped the other times, so what was there to lose. She again acquiesced and Jason joined Pip in the library. Just before the door shut behind them, Seras blurted out one last instruction: "No whiskey!"

Seras paced back and forth in the hallway for what seemed to her like a very long time. At last the French doors to the library swung open and she heard Jason laugh. He and Pip emerged, looking like old chums.

"Anytime you have a question, just look me up, mon frère," Pip said jovially and he and Jason balled up their hands and bumped fists. The talk had obviously gone well.

Seras smiled and said, "It's probably time we got you back to your parents." When Jason looked up at her, he blushed a little, newly shy after all he'd learned, and when she again put her arm around him, he was careful not to inadvertently press into certain parts of her. Seras got him settled in the car and gave instructions to the driver on where to take him. Then, with a promise to take him out for fizzy drinks before he headed back to America, she said goodbye.

She walked up to the manor entrance, where Pip was waiting for her, and beamed at him. "What did you say to him?" she asked.

Pip shrugged as if it was no big deal and responded, "Eh, he already knew the basics. He simply wanted confirmation from an adult he trusted."

"And he trusts you?" Seras said, her grin widening, and she stepped closer to her very trustworthy boyfriend.

"Apparently so," Pip answered, a smile spreading across his face too.

"So then what were you two talking about for so long?" Seras asked.

"Well, I told him to be safe," Pip answered. "And that when a girl says _no_, it always means _no_."

"You did?" Seras commented admiringly and wrapped her arms around his waist.

"Oui," Pip responded and slipped one hand behind her back. With the fingertips of the other, he lightly brushed a loose strand of strawberry blond hair from her forehead, and then traced down the side of her face.

"And I told him zat when he meets _ze_ girl, ze one zat makes his heart beat faster, ze one zat he dreams about even when he's awake…I told him to shower her with affection," Pip said and gently kissed Seras's temple, then rested his forehead on hers and stared intently into her big blue eyes, "and to let her know he wants her…"

"P-i-p," Seras warned, certain where this was heading − again.

"…and to wait until she is ready..." Seras's eyes lit up, "…no matter how long it takes, because she is worth every second."

"Oh, Pip," Seras cooed.

He touched his lips lightly to hers and pulled back ever so slightly. Seras lifted on her toes and pressed back into him, and they melted together. And there was something in the way his mouth moved on hers, the way his hand at the small of her back held her to him, that made her wish − for a moment − that she wasn't such a very good girl.

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The End

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**Author's Notes: **

The Bible verse Integra read was 2 Peter 2:7-10.

Certain parts of this story are influenced by _Metropolis Kid's_ theories on conception and _Master of the Boot's_ philosophies on pornography (with my own little twist, of course). Thanks for sharing, fellas. ;)


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